Why AF

Why now?

I promised vulnerability so here we go...

I've known for awhile, maybe a decade, that wine was having a negative impact on my life...particularly my relationships.

And for the past 10 years I've tried to make it work with the wine...and it just isn't.

Last week we droppped my daughter off at college and the contrast between the relationship she has with her dad vs. the one she has with me is striking.

I've never seen it up close like this and it was shocking.

I've never observed it from this perspective before and it was a revolation.

As we were moving her into her dorm she started to get stressed and the anxiety was mounting. I tried to talk to her, asking her what was wrong and she told me she didn't know.

Not an hour later Tom let me know that they had had more of a discussion and she opened up about what was really bothering her.

This happened over and over again as we weee moving her into college.

She's brush off my inquiries and go to Tom.

First, let me just say that I adore the relationship she has with her dad. It is absolutely beautiful and I hope with all my heart that it continues to grow.

...and I was wildly jealous.

I'm her MOM.

She should be coming to ME.

...and then I remembered.

A few years ago when I was a few months into my last alcohol free journey we were on a road trip.

It was just me and my daughter in the car and I asked her what she thought of my AF experiment.

I asked her how it was going for her, me not having wine.

She took a long time to respond. So long that I thoughts she was going to ignore me.

Then she replied, "I guess I just feel safer".

Oh FUCK.

You'd think I'd press her a bit more but I didn't. Her response scared me.

I didn't *really* want to know how she felt.

I've never laid a hand physically on my kids but my wine, at times, made them feel less safe.

{I just caught myself here...transferring the blame. Let me rephrase this: "I've never laid a hand physically on my kids but when I drink wine I make them feel less safe."}

As we were moving her into college this story resurrected itself from my memories and I though...it's time.

If I'm craving deeper and more meaningful relationships in my life, especially with my kids, then the wine has got to go.

I feel no shame in this decision.

I feel empowered and excited.

Cheers to deeper, safer relationships.

XO,

Mari